That Cameron Diaz is hot. Did you check out the new F-150 yet?
Dude, it's huge.
I figure after the Laker game, I'll head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies.
No way, man. There's no snatch there on Mondays.
- It's total sausage on week nights. - You guys see that Saxon got traded?
It sucks. The line's gonna be shit now.
Amen, girlfriend.
- What did I say? - We were doing so well.
There isn't a straight man who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend...
as "girlfriend."
But I was so butch when I said it.
Fine. I don't care that I lost. I hate games. Where's the check?
You should be proud to have lost.
This whole exercise is an unabashed, demoralizing case of self-mockery.
This from the man that brought us, "There's no snatch there on Monday."
- That's different. - I agree.
If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men spent their time, he'd defect.
Larry Kramer can blow me, okay?
This is fun.
Besides, that was 5 minutes and 32 seconds.
- Group record. - Meanwhile...
I was saying earlier--
Could I have a double steroid mocha?
- I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag. - Gross.
Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause.
I hate this city. Everyone's better-looking than me.
- Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team. - I'm serious.
Fuck off.
It's from the three of us.
And you wrapped it in your pants.
That's very funny.
- "Love, Here I Am." - It's a joke.
You're the only one of us that never complains about not having a boyfriend.
Certain individuals less familiar with the real Dennis...
might interpret that absence of desire to couple...
as a defense mechanism, a wall.
In which case, this text would serve you in overcoming your emotional blockage...
and opening yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship.
Okay, hint taken. Come on. Just get together.
I can't take a picture. I look terrible right now.
I really, honestly. Wait a minute. Look at this.
- Actually, this isn't bad. - Okay.
Good. Light's good over there. Go. Come on, go.
All right.
Meanwhile--
{y:i}A lot of people ask me {y:i}when I first knew I was gay.
{y:i}Fact is, I don't know. {y:i}Can't remember.
{y:i}But what I do remember...
{y:i}what I can recall is the moment {y:i}I first realized it was okay.
- "It was when I met these guys..." - Thank you.
{y:i}my friends.
I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang.
She's been your sister's girlfriend for five years.
Don't you think you two should get along?
Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me--
I could kill you.
You act like he'd never know we were checking him out.
He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you--
a cart full of kitchenwares.
What planet are you living on?
Not a person in this store wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second.
- Keep telling yourself that. - You don't believe me?
Okay. I'm sorry, miss? Excuse me, miss?
Could you come here for just a second?
This man, you've never seen him before in your whole entire life, right?
Tell me, which is it: fag, not a fag?
I'll have to say big fag.
- The first thing I want to say, Larry-- - Lawrence.
- Remember my thing with that? - Right.
Anyway, Lawrence, the last two weeks...
that we've been going out...
have been some of the best moments in my dating career.
We've laughed, we've learned...
we've tripped the light fantastic.
And yet, I just...
feel like something's just not working.
What do you think, dear?
I'm not sure. Fold your arms.
Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie.
It's not you, okay? It's me.
I'm the broken piece, and you wanna know why?
It's because deep down inside...
I'm a lonely person.
Are you reading that off of your hand?
What? No.
You are. You are totally reading a script.
It's just some notes. I wanted to make sure I said the right thing.
Oh, give me a fucking break.
The light fantastic? You don't even know what that is.
What?
Got an APB on a Caucasian male, brown hair and eyes...
160 pounds, 5-feet-11.
Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male.
That's how I'd call you in myself.
You know, you are worse than all the muscle boys combined.
At least they don't presume to want a relationship.
I never said that I wanted a relationship.
- Then what did you want? - Something casual.
Linen sports jackets are casual. Swimwear is casual.
- Fucking somebody is not casual. - Okay.
While we're on the subject...
if certain rumors concerning your sexual proclivities...
start popping up around town, you'll know who started them.
Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy!
That is such bullshit!
Why do you bring them here, strumpet?
I am not in the mood for one of your tirades.
As a person in a long-term relationship, I'm gonna let you know.
- What you do is sick. - Whatever.
Number one, you work here. It's in poor taste.
Number two, if you're gonna break up with somebody...
have the decency to provide them with better lighting.
I heard that, ingrate. Oh, record time, Casanova.
You can start your shift early.
Roberto, what are you cutting those with, a chain saw?
This is bruschetta. You slice the tomatoes thinly.
Jack, that's Javier. Roberto is his brother.
If he cuts those tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis if he wants.
As a person in a long-term relationship...
I don't see how you're ever gonna find happiness with one person...
if you don't mend your ways.
Do you not start any sentences with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"?
It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart.
-It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity. -Hey, guys.
- Thank God. - You're late.
Sorry, but, you know, it is my birthday.
Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar. Go to work.
Saw your prey on the curb. Nice work.
Last time I use an audition monologue to break up with somebody.
You coming to the party,Jack?
I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep 'em warm.
You didn't. Jack!
I couldn't let you have a birthday without giving you...
at least a little bit of my superior taste and talent.
And in addition to which, look what I got today.
The Broken Hearts jerseys.
I will be signing up interested parties all night.
Please, I'm begging you, no softball team this year.
No softball team this year. No softball team this year.
Are you crazy? You know what kind of P.R. this is for the restaurant?
It can't be that good. We lost every single game we played last year.
Two of those teams only had four people.
Nobody's forcing you two to play, but remember who pays your bills.
Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar, your people have come to take you home.
Good evening, Patrick. It's your brother!
I'll be right there.
What is it with lesbians and candles?
I just got home from the office, and I'm not in the mood for your shit.
So...
what's the gift?
It's a housewarming present for Anne.
Two months late.
Looks like a coffeemaker.
Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise.
Oh, we already have a coffeemaker.
I've seen your old one. This one is way better.
We got rid of that one. She didn't tell you?
We have a new Webb 3000.
- You already have a Webb 3000? - Don't worry, sweetie.
It won't be the first time she's returned one of your gifts.
So Anne tells me you're jealous of her vibrator.
How do I look?
- Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel? - That's clever.
- You sure you don't want to come? - No, thank you.
- He said it's gonna be mixed. - The last time he said that...
there were 60 men, 3 women and a parrot...
and the parrot was getting more attention than the women.
That parrot knew the words to "Material Girl."
Shall we?
Do you have to do that in here? We are two blocks from the house!
Parties make me nervous.
- I'm relaxing. - Can you relax legally?
- What if we get pulled over? - What are the police gonna do?
For starters, the whole arresting thing.
If we don't go home together tonight, you'll understand.
- Let's not do this thing. - What whole thing?
This eleventh-hour breakup routine. It's really demoralizing me.
I'm not breaking up anything here...
because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago.
Yet we're still sleeping together.
We sleep together because we got a fucked-up friendship...
not because we're boyfriends.
- I don't want to talk about this. - You never wanna talk.
You just want to smoke pot, watch the fucking Cartoon Network.
What's to talk about? We're ex-boyfriends who still screw around.
I want more. You don't.
I hang on because I love you.
I wait desperately for the day you calm down, wake up...
and realize you love me.
You hang on because it's easy.
When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole.
Okay, wait. Hold on. First television crush.
Oh, easy. John-Boy Walton.
Yes, honey, I always wanted to be the last one to say good night to him.
- No, that mole. - Mine is Matthew Laborteaux.
- Who's that? - Albert from "Little House."
Wait a minute. It was the morphine addiction episode, wasn't it?
- How did you know? - 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys.
The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker.
Why should I keep this mirror?
See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream.
Right.
I'm gonna get a drink. Do you wanna hang here or--
Definitely.
I mean, you know, whatever.
So how do you and Benji know each other?
We fold jeans at Structure.
Okay, my first television crush: Aquaman.
Aquaman? Are you kidding me?
No, you laugh, but he was a blond and he had a swimmer's build.
I don't like blondes though.
- Swimmer's? - It was a lot of crap.
Listen, boys, I'm not leaving this party...
until you sign up...
to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League...
the Broken Hearts!
So come on over here and sign up, guys.
Free drinks for a signature!
Oh, they'll all quit after we lose the first game.
- That looks good, actually. - Don't do that.
I have to let it set for at least-- Gosh.
- Guess who's outside. - Who?
J. Crew guy from New Year's.
- No shit. At my party? - Yeah.
Come here.
Over there by the dining room table talking to a bunch of his friends.
There he is. Oh, my God.
Shut the door.
It's your birthday star shining on you.
We barely hooked up last time. He probably doesn't even remember me.
How 'bout you? Any luck with the coworker?
Who had a chance? Cole moved right in.
I just live with him.
It wouldn't have worked anyway. The guy's a total newbie.
- Hasn't even told me he's gay yet. - No shit. You can pick 'em.
I know. I can't help myself.
They remind me how great it used to feel, you know.
When you first come out, and every guy in the room is just--
Possibility.
Yeah.
Then you find out we are the possibility.
- Oh, damn. - What?
Much like a Zen master, you must struggle to find freshness...
in the mundane tasks of your world.
That, of course, being the world of retail.
I totally understand what you mean.
It's that book. He's unstoppable with the book.
What's the book?
Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf.
One of Cole's ex told him he was without an opinion about anything...
so he thought it'd be best if he went out and got some.
Dumb, gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature...
when competing in the pickup pool.
It's like bald people wearing hats.
It's deceiving.
- You open my gift yet? - No. Which one is it?
- Right there. - I didn't know that.
Where's Paul? He hasn't answered my pages all day.
{y:i}Love, Here I Am.
It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul.
- Thank you, sweetie. - You're welcome, baby.
I'll just put that with my other two copies.
I was wondering if there's any more ice.
Ice.
Yes, there is ice...
and I will go get it.
Hark! The party calls.
From New Year's, right?
I wasn't sure you'd remember me.
Well, I do.
I really didn't come in here for this.
That's my frosting.
Dan, you gotta come upstairs. It's Taylor.
What's goin' on?
You're kidding me.
- What's happening? - Paul finally called Taylor back.
From Hawaii, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend.
Oh, shit.
No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy.
What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here in case of emergency?
- Howie, there's gotta be something. - I'm looking.
- There's Celine Dion. - In hell!
No. Okay, here.
"Beaches" soundtrack.
Oh, thank God. Track four.
I just heard.
I was left for another man.
And not just any other man, a trainer.
A trainer named Dash.
I was left for a punctuation mark.
We all knew this was gonna happen.
- Patrick. - Come on.
It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around.
I tried to warn him before they moved in together, and he wouldn't listen.
I'm in the room, asshole.
Nice. That's what I get for being a friend.
We obviously have two different interpretations of that word.
What does that mean?
It means that when it comes to men...
you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us.
You can disguise it all you want under the guise of Patrick's good advice...
but it ain't shit but a pin...
trying to pop all of our relationship balloons.
Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people.
But he said that we'd work things out.
He promised we'd work things out.
He lied.
I'm sorry. You know what?
This is the time of the evening where all the prettier boys hook up...
so I'm just gonna leave now.
- He hates me. - He'll get over it.
The apartment was Paul's.
He wants me out by Friday.
We have a guest room.
You're more than welcome to it.
- I couldn't. - It wouldn't be a problem.
Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it.
Well, it's sort of sudden.
But...
it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it...
then I guess I am.
Then it's settled.
Dennis, Cole, I--
You'll never, ever know how much I appreciate this.
I'm gonna need your strength now.
See you guys.
What happened?
Paul dumped Taylor. Taylor's a wreck.
Party's gonna break up soon, if you want a ride.
Howie, no.
You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni.
My what?
Your Rice-A-Roni.
It's the ultimate '7 0s game show consolation prize...
the thing everybody went home with even if they lost.
It is not like that.
It's different.
Yeah.
Oh, my--
Oh, don't do that.
Because you know that gets me worked up when you do that.
Do what?
You take off your glasses.
You rub your eyes.
And you're speechless.
I still make you speechless?
- Where's your jacket? - It's in the car.
Let's go.
Do you wanna talk about it?
What's to talk about?
Gay men in L.A. are a bunch of 10s looking for an 11.
On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six.
- That's not true. - It is.
I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is.
Patrick, maybe it's time you start hanging out...
with a different group of guys.
They're the only ones that make it bearable.
Good night, Patrick.
Oh,just before I forget, Leslie and I wanna have a baby...
and since that's biologically impossible for us to do so without sperm...
and since your genes are close to mine, we thought we could borrow yours...
and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together...
had I a penis.
You wouldn't have to sleep with her. She'd be artificially inseminated.
So take your time, think about it.
Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away...
like within the next couple of ovulation cycles.
So...
talk to you tomorrow.
- You can drive away now. - Oh, okay.
Go home. I'll get the rest.
Come, you spirits...
that tend on mortal thoughts.
Unsex him here.
Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room.
No, of course not. It's getting late.
It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience.
- Ten, if I'm lucky. - Never, if you're really lucky.
Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door?
Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence?
Good night,Jack.
Happy birthday, Dennis. I love you.
Don't get nervous.
Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back.
We should light a few more candles.
I'm cool.
Yeah, but we could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment.
How 'bout--
How 'bout some music?
- Sure. - Great.
- Whatever. - Yeah. Great.
You like the Carpenters?
Play something else.
You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic?
- No. - None of it?
Not "Close to You," "Rainy Days and Mondays."
What about the one about Warren Beatty?
"You're So Vain." That's Carly Simon.
- You should go. - What?
I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden, but I'm gonna go with this impulse.
- Is this about the music? - No, it's not. It's about me.
- I can't do this anymore. - We haven't done anything yet.
I know what we're about to do, and I can't do it.
- Sure, you can. - You're right.
- I can, but I'm tired of it. - You're tired of sex?
Yes. No.
I'm tired of sex with people who care what I look like and make up the rest...
and I'm tired of doing the same with them.
I want something more...
something else.
I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning.
I keep forgetting your name...
because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew guy."
It's Ted.
Well, Ted...
I'm sorry.
Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight.
You scared me.
It's my house. I'm allowed to do that.
- Is Cole asleep? - Yeah, he's asleep.
There's nothin' in there. I checked.
You should try the cake.
The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good.
This is not what I need tonight.
- You are not what I need tonight. - What'd I say?
I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday.
It took me two hours, and I didn't even get to blow out the candles...
'cause my friend's relationship hit DEFCON 5.
Bummer.
Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with real validity.
I plan on writing to the committee for an extension.
Why write?
Now you made the deadline.
Come on. Make your wish.
Thank you.
Kevin.
You must be "Ennis."
That's Dennis.
Somebody ate the " D."
- Are these yours? - Yeah.
I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom...
so I figured you were a photographer or something.
Or somethin'.
- I like this one. - That was my first class assignment.
We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state.
I had just come out of the closet, hadn't met any of my friends yet...
but I was still feeling a sense of strength and independence.
I think it looks lonely.
You're Benji's friend?
Oh, yeah. More sort of coworker...
but I like him.
- Apparently not enough. - What's that mean?
Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight.
You've been a hot topic of conversation since you joined the Structure family.
What, he's been talking about me?
Relax. It's just a crush.
I mean, you should be flattered.
By the next full moon, he'll have a new one. It's his way.
I don't get you guys.
Is that all you do, sit around here and talk about men?
Either that or we talk about men.
Yeah, well...
I think it's really gay.
- You're not out, are you? - What?
You're not just a newbie. You're not even out to anyone.
- I don't think it's anyone's business. - It isn't.
- I'm getting tired of being asked. - I can imagine.
Why do I have to tell anyone anyway?
Maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I haven't decided.
Maybe I should say good night.
Yeah. Good night.
You're right.
It looks lonely.
{y:i}I can't decide if my friends are {y:i}the best or worst thing to happen to me.
Clearly, without them, my life would be a lot less fun...
but with them...
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Do you want to keep it short on top?
Yeah.
I know they're my friends. I just don't know if I can trust any of them.
Especially when it comes to men.
Every time I introduce someone, they're all over him.
Watch your posture, all right?
Sorry.
Take, for instance, the party the other night.
Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawaii.
Howie went home with Marshall again.
Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole.
And my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm.
It's like one big gay soap opera.
I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room...
and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company.
I was watching this documentary on cable about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia.
Benji was telling me about this documentary he saw about monkeys--
In Somalia.
They hang out with each other until mating season, and then just like that--
They attack each other. It's survival of the fittest.
I thought to myself, that's our group.
That's us.
We're those monkeys, and I'm the monkey with the image problem.
The only one who's unfaxed by anything is Cole.
I mean,just look at him.
He's gorgeous, completely straight-acting.
He's the ultimate meanwhile, and he has no soul.
My dad would sleep with Cole.
If you asked me, Cole is precisely what's wrong with this group.
We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it.
Actually, Howie would probably admit it.
I wanna be Cole. Why can't I be Cole?
Why can't God have made me Cole?
My friends get a haircut with this.
It's not like I wanna be Cole or anything.
He just makes it all look so easy.
I just wish it was, you know, that easy to let someone in.
To get a boyfriend.
To be beautiful.
Thanks, Betty.
You always know just what to say.
It's a gift.
Where is my living room?
- I just shifted it around a little. - No, this is your living room.
You didn't shift my living room around.
You shifted my living room out and your living room in.
So where is my living room?
Distributed evenly around the house.
- Distribute it back. - It took me all day.
Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed.
Okay, Dennis. Think of it this way.
A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, right?
You have to live with it for a few days before you know if you like it or not.
That's not true.
I haven't had a shag, but I don't have to live with one for a few days...
to know that I don't want one.
Thank God you're home.
Thanks to Mufassa here, it's now a Tunisian hut.
- Why do I even try? - I have amazing news.
This casting director is bringing me in for this role in this Kip Rogers movie.
- That's terrific. - Except I ran out of head shots.
- You need me to make a head shot. - Bingo.
- Go get your negatives. - I love you.
You are a fucking godsend.
I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag.
Kip Rogers is not gay. He's married.
Please, that's right up there with, "He's not gay. He's in a fraternity."
My agent thinks that I have a really good shot for this one.
Says they're just looking for a face.
Doesn't that bother you?
- That people think I'm attractive? - That that's all they think.
That's not necessarily true.
When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role?
It's always they want a look or face...
or nice eyes.
So what? Who gives a fuck? That's my way in.
What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up.
I guess.
- So you like this Kevin kid? - He's nice enough, sure.
That's how you feel about him? He's nice enough?
Do I agree with his opinions on the Middle East?
Forget I asked.
It's been a week. Who knows what I feel?
I think if this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump--
- Another? - You don't have the best track record.
- You're not taking home the gold. - This isn't about me.
What is your excuse for not settling down with one of your scams?
You don't even call them back.
At least I have the decency to date them for a little while.
Which brings me to my point.
Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out?
Because what if it does?
A relationship can't be built on lust.
No more than you can base a relationship off coffee and good conversation...
but that works just fine for our first date.
There it is.
Well.
Have you gained weight?
What? Where?
{y:i}I can't help it. {y:i}Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits.
{y:i}This awful panic that I'm gonna {y:i}have to spend another evening alone.
{y:i}So I go over there.
- That's called being horny. - It's not horny.
I know horny.
I've taken entire lecture series on horny.
They have lecture series on horny?
They don't call it that.
You think I should paint my toenails again?
Any time you hags wanna join the game.
I hate the outfield. There's too much action.
Where did my mitt go?
{y:i}Oh, say can you see
How y'all doin'?
You ready for this? You ready for this one?
Attaboy, Taylor!
With a monarch's voice, cry havoc...
and let slip the dogs of war!
Strike!
Our first game of the season, and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen?
Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction.
Come on. Let's play.
Look at that.
Strike two.
You know, if he was smart, he'd hurl himself in front of the ball.
- I tell you, it's the law of fractions. - You're insane.
Howie thinks one of the other players is gay.
It's a known scientific fact that one out of ten men is gay.
Including the bench, they've got 1 1 players. You do the math.
I dare you to share that with them.
Thank you.
Where's Cole? He's up after Will.
I'll get him.
Strike three! You're out!
I don't understand why they don't just let me hit off the tee.
Shut up, bitches.
You're up in two.
Thanks, Den.
So you're still deciding if you're gay?
I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's the only one with the shirt tucked in.
Benj, hold these.
Cole, if you had to pick a mole off the other team, who would it be?
No problem. Catcher.
Catcher? Yeah, right.
The biggest meanwhile on the team is really gay? People think I'm crazy.
The guy's a total breeder.
First round at Jack's says I'm right.
Who's the coach?
That's Jack. Loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts.
- Shakespeare fan, huh? - Classically trained.
Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York.
See that man? That's his partner of 20 years.
Plays piano at the restaurant.
Comes to all the games.
We call him Purple Guy, for obvious reasons.
Yeah.
Wow.
Hey, Mr. Catcher.
You got a name?
Sure.
It's Low and Inside.
Strike!
- Thanks for the tip. - Next time listen to me.
My friends and I have a little bet goin'...
that one of you fire boys plays on our league, if you know what I mean.
That's interesting.
- Who'd you bet on? - You.
Ball!
So do I win?
What tipped you off?
I've been up to bat twice, and twice I've caught you staring at my ass.
Ball.
So what are the chances of me getting your number?
Sorry. I'm seeing someone.
So was I.
Strike two!
Two and two, batter.
I missed that one on purpose so I could ask again.
What are the chances of getting your number?
About the chance of you hitting a home run.
Yeah, go!
Print neatly.
- You ever talk to him? - Purple guy?
I thought he said hi to me once. Turned out it was just a burp.
I wonder what Jack sees in him.
I don't know. Whatever it is, though, he couldn't be happier.
The world's only prompt lesbians.
Well, I'm off.
- Wish me luck. - You're not gonna do it.
I don't get it. Are we breaking up?
See, that's the thing.
That you would think there was actually something to break up...
implies we were never really clear on what we had to begin with.
That lack of clarity...
well...
frightens me.
What?
- What's up with them? - Cole's breaking up with him.
In the course of six innings? What happened?
He got the catcher's number. The fucker was right.
- Where's Kevin? - He doesn't feel like coming.
Obviously.
- Something wrong here? -Jig's up, Mr. Man.
We know all about this little Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'.
We're here to shut that shit down.
Relax, Tex. All I did is cool things off.
Was that what you were doing behind the bleachers, cooling things off?
- I had a change of heart. Shoot me. - You're so full of shit.
I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately.
You toss one scam out of bed, and suddenly you are St.-fuckin'-Gandhi.
You know what I meant. Bottom line, that kid is a newbie.
He can't even admit to being gay.
What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend.
Where you goin'?
You're right. What he needs now are friends.
- He wants to sleep with him. - Thank you.
Hey, we're going to Jack's. It's one of our many losing traditions.
-Just fuck off. - You should come.
Everyone gets dumped first time around.
It's the rule of all newbie relationships.
What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends?
You don't even know my friends.
I know them well enough to know you're a bunch of bitter, jaded--
Fags? Go ahead and say it.
- I wasn't going to say that. - You should.
Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means.
Why can't everything just slow down?
I promise it will, but you can't go back now.
At least go have a cup of coffee with me?
- One condition. - What?
West Hollywood's that way.
Show me one thing you find interesting that way.
- So you come here a lot? - You could say that.
In fact, next to Karen Carpenter...
this place is the closest thing to perfection I know.
The Carpenters? Now, that I get.
- You like the Carpenters? - Insanely.
Here's to your first O.G.T.
Obviously Gay Trait.
Mine are love of the Carpenters, culinary interests...
and intense fear of blood sports.
I don't get it. Why be friends with a group of people just because you're gay?
That's not why we're friends.
It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends.
- Doesn't that drive you crazy? - Of course.
At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did.
Only I wouldn't go for just a few months. I'd stay.
I'd bring my camera, finally take my time developing a photographer's eye.
Really find my voice.
Then something happens.
A birthday, summer parties...
Christmas, great night of dancing.
And I'm with them and...
suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else.
So I stay.
Have you told anybody about what you're going through?
- A few people. - Like?
- My sister. - Ooh, that's worth at least ten points.
Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home last Christmas, and she caught me.
- With a guy? - No, alone.
By myself, flying solo.
Ouch. To what, gay porn?
Oh, no. Worse than that.
An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr.
I thought my mom would be cooler. She was a '60s love child.
In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends.
All she said was, "I hope you didn't pay market for that."
But when I told her I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month.
- How is she now? - Better.
Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays"...
like they live on her block or somethin'.
" Dennis, I see the gays had a parade. Did you go?"
My dad would have been different.
- You didn't tell him? - He died before I told anyone.
My biggest regret: he died not knowing me.
You can't say that. Maybe he didn't know--
He died not knowing me.
We want your sperm. We're not asking you to move in.
What about cousin Jeffrey? He's got our genes. He could donate.
Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper and a card-carrying member of the NRA.
He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in, Patrick.
I'm sorry. My answer still stands.
I told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off.
Drug me and jerk-- Do you hear this?
This is the woman that you want to become a mother with.
- She's being serious. - Okay.
You two want the truth? Here's the truth.
You guys can't keep a plant alive. How are you gonna take care of a child?
We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid will have to deal with.
Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 , why is Mom #2's brother my father?"
Look at the three of us. What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make?
You know what? I don't have to listen to this.
I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this.
She had this funny idea that maybe if we did...
you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life.
But I can see that you'd rather not.
That's fine with me. I'm going to get the car.
Is that what this is about? Some sort of mission to save me?
Patrick, when you came out...
you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery.
And I have never seen you more miserable.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the evidence is rudimentary.
There's not a single film in the cinema canon...
that paints a portrait of a gay man that any of us would aspire to be.
What are our options? Noble, suffering AI DS victims...
the friends of noble, suffering AI DS victims...
compulsive sex addicts, common street hustlers...
and the most recent addition to the lot...
stylish confidantes to lovelorn women.
Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick...
has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans.
And that's someone you would aspire to be.
At least they would be someone real.
Can you imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends?
Maybe then we wouldn't have to shamefully compare ourselves...
to "Steel Magnolias."
He is so Sally Fields.
- I thought I was Sally Fields. - No, you're Shirley MacLaine.
Which one am I?
Julia Roberts.
For your nerves, honey.
What are you doing here? We agreed not to see each other in public.
- I said it was too hard. - I didn't know you were gonna be here.
We had a game today. We always come here after the game.
- I'm telling you, I forgot. - Whatever.
Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink.
- I can't. - You can't?
I'm trying to tell you that I can't.
There are no tables available, so it might be a while.
Oh, it's too busy here, so we should probably go to the movie anyway.
Cool.
I didn't see you out there.
I came in the back.
I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I faced the crowd.
How'd it go with the girls?
It went.
I miss anything?
Same old song.
Howie was going on about gay cinema.
Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay.
You'd have no identity.
It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about.
You talk about it so much that sometimes you forget about...
all the other things that you are.
When I watch them, it feels so strange.
It's like I'm not even a part of it.
They're all so much more attractive than I am.
No. You know what?
I don't mind. Really, I don't.
I kind of like being attractive by association.
It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful.
Help me put my dress on.
Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight.
It's Saturday. The crowd expects it.
The madness has got to stop. You don't even like wearing women's clothes.
So?
So it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere.
Big fuckin' deal.
And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype.
Again, big fucking deal.
And your tits are always crooked.
- No shit? Nobody ever told me that. - Well, they are.
Here, come here.
I've never felt a man up before.
There. That's--
Okay. Zip me up, would you?
Oh, okay. All right.
Everybody can't be the same, Patrick.
Everybody can't be straight.
Everybody can't be beautiful.
Some people are just gay and average.
We're the strongest, I think.
Hello, boys! Hello.
I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to start two hours ago.
But you know what they say? Better latent than never.
So to start with, I'd like to do a little number...
from my first platinum album...
{y:i}Color Me Jack.
Hit it, honey.
{y:i}Shall we join the ladies {y:i}Yes, do, let's join the ladies
{y:i}And make one great big lady
You sure you don't want to come in?
I do. I'm just not ready for it all yet.
- I have the same number as Cole. - Don't worry.
I'll call.
Okay.
Good night.
Bye.
Just checking a page. I'm betting it's the fireman.
Which, incidentally, would be record time.
Yeah, but I just wanted to apologize for earlier.
- About Kevin. - Oh, hey, no problem.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
- What is it? - No way. It's my agent.
What's he saying?
I got the part. I got the part in the movie.
- You're kidding me. - Oh, my God.
I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix.
Holy shit. I got the part in Kip Rogers' movie.
- I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers. - This is incredible.
No kidding.
- It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ-- - I heard Kip Rogers was gay.
He's not gay. He's married.
I gotta tell the other guys. They're gonna freak.
Hey, listen. Tell the other hags I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow.
Where are you going?
To my sister's.
To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this whole baby thing.
- What happened? - Nothing.
Nothing ever happens. That's the whole point.
You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?
I think that it's great that you're dating again.
Yeah, it is.
And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving.
- I'm going inside now. - Wait. Come on.
Let me just come inside, just for a minute.
Until you get off?
- That is not true. - No, no.
You'll be kind enough to share your latest theory...
on why Snagglepuss was the first openly gay cartoon character.
You know, if memory serves, it's your post-coital hashish bonfires...
- that sent me running. - That is such a convenient argument.
My pot smoking is the source of all our problems?
God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked-up relationship.
I'm the one that studies relationships for a living.
- Ours was quite normal. - Normal?
When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom?
Do you know Brian actually held my hand in public tonight?
Do you know what that's like to be with someone who's not terrified to do that?
You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issue-less existence.
So that's what this is about.
Brian's better-looking than you, so I matter again.
But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now? Am I right?
Thanks for not answering that.
You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you...
but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me.
{y:i}My ex is dating a print model.
{y:i}A blond, goy print model named Brian.
Could that possibly hit on more of my issues?
He could have a big penis.
Which one of you hags suggested level eight? I'm dying.
- Let's bring it down to seven. - Six, and I pick up lunch.
It's a deal. Maybe he just wants to win you back.
That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me, he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him.
- Meanwhile-- - You have the oddest taste.
- Sue me. - I don't understand.
For months you've been guilty that you ended the relationship.
- He's moved on and you sound worse. - Because my guilt I can control.
It's my guilt. Jealousy is completely out of my hands.
I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on?
I don't know. I just know that it's over...
and you won't catch me going through any mourning cycle.
Speaking of which, I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week.
He's been curled up on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies.
When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me this sinister look and mutters...
- "Phase five, phase five." - The revenge phase.
If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house.
Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, young Sigmund?
Guys, is that the girl from "Young and the Restless?"
I'm so over "Y&R."
You're excited for him to call, but you don't want to sleep with him?
Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't.
- So you do want to sleep with him. - Why is it always about that?
Don't you see what happens to us?
We come out of the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game...
and we become more bitter than we were in the closet.
The only thing keeping us from complete despair are the friendships we develop.
I just want him to see that before it's too late.
Before he becomes jaded, like us.
Interesting. What you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin.
- It's classic projection. - You haven't answered my question.
- No, I don't want to sleep with him. - Bullshit.
- Benji's talking to Idaho guy. - Who's that?
Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush.
He's been strategically working out near him for weeks...
in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice.
Why do you call him Idaho Guy?
I don't know. He just kind of looks like he's from Idaho.
It's not really one of our better ones.
I'm freaking out.
I was in the middle of my squats and he comes over and just gives me these tips.
Is that like fate or what? Maybe I should get his number.
No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us.
Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes.
And cat tranquilizers.
If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, codependent relationship...
it won't be with a gym bunny.
I don't care. I'm going back over there.
Hi. I turned around and you were gone. I wanted to give you this.
It's my number.
Give me a call if you want.
Yeah, definitely.
That'll be cool.
It's no improvement.
I didn't pack a jacket.
I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night.
Should we call a doctor?
He'll be all right.Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits.
You know what? I almost forgot to tell you.
That Kevin kid called while you were at the gym.
- He did? - He said to call him back.
Sounded kind of cold, though. I hope he doesn't still hate me.
They never still hate you.
It's funny, isn't it? I'd hate me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you too.
- Good luck. - Thank you very much.
- "What is taking him so long?" - I don't know.
It'll just be another minute more. I had to make a phone call.
A phone call? I knew he was gonna pull some shit.
- Patrick, what happened? - I couldn't do it.
- I need material. - They don't have material?
Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now.
Oh, my God. It's embarrassing to even be seen in here.
- Did you bring the stash? - You owe me so big for this, hag.
You know my issues with buying porno.
Hurry up!
- Hey, sorry I'm late. - Oh, no, it's cool.
Crank it.
Call it crazy, but I have this theory.
Bear with me.
I believe that there are gay numbers.
- Gay numbers? - Yeah.
Have you ever given thought to the number 38?
I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective.
The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way.
Cut. That was perfect. Print.
I was so glad that Sharon set us up.
She mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved.
- I used to be. - Well, I know how that goes.
I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months.
Five months and he broke up with me. He broke up with me.
He said I talk too much. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've heard?
'Cause I'm all about listening.
I know what you're thinking. Why would a gay man wanna be a gyno?
I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina"...
let alone stare at them all day long.
But it never really bothered me. I mean, it's just a word, right?
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
It's just a word, right?
I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me, though.
Clitoris.
Why am I shaking?
It's your first gay club. You should be nervous.
If anybody attacks you, just tell them you're with me.
Nice to see you again. Things are better with the breakup, I take it?
- Breakup? - With Paul?
Paul who?
It's phase six.
It's denial.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I've been looking for you guys all night.
- You want a drink? - No. I have water here somewhere.
- Where's Idaho Guy? - Where's this new boyfriend of yours?
Dance floor.
You guys, everybody's here. Come on. Come and dance.
Fly, young one. Fly like the wind.
Come on. Dance with your mama.
- So what do you think? Ecstasy? - I don't know. Probably K.
Should we talk to him?
They said, finishing their fourth shot.
We've all messed around with stuff and you know it.
He's just having a good time. Let's go dance.
Dance? We're here to attract men, remember?
Speak for yourself. This body wants to groove.
Come on.
Howie? Howie Mixner?
Barry. We had dinner a few weeks ago?
I got one.
Who would you kick out of bed? Morley Safer or Mike Wallace?
Okay, I believe this requires a daiquiri break.
- I'd say Safer. - Safer all the way.
But I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley circa 1 980.
I'd kick Wallace. He always annoyed me.
Who's got the 30?
- What are you doing outside? - I'm getting base.
It's July 4. You don't have a base yet?
Have you heard from the movie star yet?
He only called once all month. I missed it.
He's too busy getting shtupped by Kip Rogers.
When will you guys get over the fact that just because...
every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay...
that doesn't mean he is gay.
You know what? I should get going.
- You're not staying for the party? - I gotta make an appearance...
at my parent's barbecue.
- Have fun. - Bye.
- I've got another one. - Who would you kick out of bed?
The Grimace or the Hamburglar?
- Oh, my God. - What?
- That's a good one. - Homo say what?
Homo say bad party lighting.
Get out.
- Did you lock the door? - I don't remember.
Shit. One second!
Yeah?
- You're going to shoot in five. - Terrific.
- All right. Cappuccino? - No, no. No, thank you.
- I'll see you out there. - Okay. All right.
- That was close. - A little too close.
I have to cancel tonight.
My publicist wants me to do this "Access Hollywood" interview.
Today's my last day of shooting. I leave tomorrow.
- What would you like me to do? - Cancel it.
- Tell them you can't do it. - With what excuse?
"Sorry. I have dinner plans with the pretty boy extra I'm sleeping with."
- I'm not an extra. - That's not what I meant.
They have me shooting here for four weeks.
My part is integral to the plot. I have seven lines of dialogue.
- I'm not a fucking extra. - Okay, okay.
I'm sorry I called you an extra.
I'll make it up to you. I'll fly into L.A. this weekend.
We'll go somewhere discreet for dinner.
- All right? - Okay.
Good.
Wait about ten minutes. Make sure no one sees you before you leave.
Hey, having fun? Good.
Hey, there you are.
How you doing?
Everything all right?
What happened?
You told your parents.
Just kind of slipped out.
The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert...
and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie.
I said, "That's great. I love key lime pie, and I'm gay."
I bet she wishes she'd made apple pie.
They were great, Dennis.
And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them?
Why was I so scared to tell everyone?
- If I hadn't met you-- - Oh, I didn't do anything.
Morning.
We're gonna be late for the game.
Once more unto the breach, dear lads! Once more!
It's the height of irony, really.
Here we are, bottom of the ninth. Three men on. Two outs.
Our least able player stepping up to bat.
We're either one hit away from our first victory ever...
or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history.
If we could just get him to hit it to left field.
The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do.
Come on, Taylor. You can do it. Come on.
Attaboy!
Sweet are the uses of adversity.
"Sweet are the uses of adversity...
which, like the toad, ugly and venomous...
wears yet a precious jewel in his head.
And this is our life...
exempt from public haunt...
finds tongues and trees...
books in running brooks...
sermons in stones...
and good in everything."
Jack was a Shakespeare fan.
That passage from "As You Like It" was his favorite.
He would've wanted me to share it with you today.
Other than that, I'm not good with words.
That was Jack.
I'll just play something.
Hopefully, wherever Jack is...
he'll sing along.
That's what Jack saw in him.
- So where's Brian? - Getting the car.
You look terrific.
You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you.
I'm not just saying.
Thank you.
I quit smoking pot.
It's not 'cause we're not dating. No, it's not because of Brian. I just--
It was just time.
It's weird how you can need something for so long and then just...
not need it anymore.
Just like that.
It's so weird, you know. It's like he's still here.
You're on something right now, aren't you?
- Excuse me? - You show up late. You look like shit.
- What did that boyfriend give you? - He didn't give me anything.
I look like shit because I've been crying for the last two days.
Unlike you, who has yet to shed a tear, you fucking asshole.
- He wants to make sure you're okay. - We all do.
That's crap. Since I've have a boyfriend none of you guys even call.
- You stopped calling us. - That is such bullshit.
Admit that you don't talk to me because I'm in a relationship and you're not.
You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks.
That hardly constitutes a relationship.
That is more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck.
His friends...
they're not like us.
When they go out, when they're together, they're happy.
We're always so miserable.
We make each other miserable.
Why?
Is it such a bad thing to be happy?
It is if you have to pay 30 bucks a tab for it, yeah.
- What did I miss? - You don't even wanna know.
Just spoke to Purple Guy. He said he'll meet us at the bar.
I can't go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film.
- Maybe I'll catch up after. - Yeah.
I'm not gonna go either. I'm gonna go home.
I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
You should go with them.
I thought maybe we could talk about the other night.
- We haven't really discussed-- - Now's not a good time.
- Could you tell me when is? - I don't know. But not here, not now.
You've barely even looked at me since the other night.
You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral.
Hiding? Is that what you think I've been doing?
Can you even imagine whatJack meant to me? To us?
No, you can't. You can't know.
So don't tell me I've been hiding.
All we did was hook up. It's not that big a deal.
We can talk about it later.
You're right. It's not a big deal.
All we did was hook up.
Yeah, this is he.
What?
Jesus!
Benji Waters?
I just got the page. How is he?
They pumped his stomach. We're waiting for him to wake up.
- Can I see him? - Only one person at a time can go in.
- Patrick's in there right now. - How did this happen?
- How the fuck could this happen? - Isn't it obvious?
We weren't there.
Did you two come together? I think that's cute.
What is his problem?
Him and Kevin slept together last week.
You, Senor Disheveled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself.
- Are the clouds lifting? - You guys, I didn't know.
I've been away all month. Why didn't you tell me something?
- You could help me out. - It was a secret.
Terrific.
The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters.
Now I feel like shit.
I think that's a scientific impossibility.
- I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't be.
I slept with Cole to get back at you.
You did exactly what you're supposed to when you're 23 and just out the closet.
And you did it because I was an asshole.
It doesn't matter. I was wrong.
No, Kevin. I was wrong.
When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship.
And if there was anything I've been trying to change lately about myself...
well, that would be it.
So what, you're not attracted to me?
Or course I am. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles.
- You were the wish. - So what's the problem?
The problem is that I'm not ready for it.
I thought that...
all a relationship would take was meeting the right person...
but it's so much more than that.
Like what?
Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay.
- That's not true. - It is true.
And I'm okay with it.
I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do.
But I need to move on.
I need to make my life into something else...
instead of just my friends and the parties.
That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone.
Do you see that?
Tell me you see that.
Can't you move on with someone there?
Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do.
Hey, guys.
Hey, hag.
Why'd you go and do a thing like that for?
I'm sorry, guys.
- I'm sorry, Patrick. - Hey, I'm sorry too.
I am so Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's" right now.
You can be Demi Moore. Just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy.
- I get to be Mare Winningham. - Nobody's gonna fight you on that one.
- Which one do I get to be? - Rob Lowe.
'Cause you're just so damn cute.
You can't help yourself.
Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone.
Marshall, open up.
What the hell are you doing?
This.
- All right, that's it, asshole. - Brian. Please, get inside.
You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up.
You didn't wait long enough.
I've never been more awake than I am right now.
And I admit it. I fucked up. No matter who you were...
there would've been something wrong with you and someone better out there.
And I wish that I could change that.
I wish I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you.
But I'll tell you right now...
I loved you.
I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me.
It has nothing to do with how good-looking he is.
It has to do with you.
Because you are sweet, you're endearing and...
uncomplicated.
And you're so beautiful.
I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this...
works out and that he is everything that you need...
because you deserve it.
But if he's not and it ends, I'll be there.
It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough.
- "You really don't need to be here." - "Okay, I'm here..."
because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here...
and because the baby book said this is an emotional event.
And no matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody.
- Is this ready yet? - No. It takes a second to come through.
Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job?
- Why don't you bite me? - Why don't you suck my left tit?
- If I sucked tits-- - Excuse me.
It's ready now.
That's the baby.
Miss Thing, where have you been? I have a full restaurant. I'm a waiter short.
I was at the closing on my house. I'm sorry.
Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar. Get your apron on.
Question. How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch?
It's your last night, hag. So you don't have to worry about that now, do you?
Surprise!
I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles.
I know. They're from all of his house parties.
So, did Leslie tell you? We saw the baby.
Oh, that is so cool. So is it a Patricia or a Patrick,Jr.?
It's a Jack.
I'm an actor. I just shot this film with Kip Rogers.
Kip Rogers. Wow.
I hear he's gay.
No, he's not gay. He's married.
Okay, so check this shit out.
Paul called me.
He said he wants to talk. He said he misses me, but just as a friend.
This is a good thing. It allows you the perfect opportunity...
for the final phase of all relationships: reconciliation.
Try closure. I told that bitch to fuck off.
Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic on the 405.
I told you not to take the freeways. L.A. is all about the side streets.
It's for Europe. It's a carrying case for your camera.
Look, got your initials on it.
I saw that guy you came with. He's cute.
Whatever. We met at a club a few weeks ago.
- You know how it is. - Oh, yeah, I do.
I'll be back.
I'll be here.
- Okay, hag, you ready for your gift? - Excuse us.
- You didn't have to get me a gift. - We didn't get you anything. You did.
- It was nothing, really. - Gentlemen and very few ladies...
I am pleased to present...
the premiere photo gallery opening...
of budding photojournalist...
our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff.
- Where did you guys get these? - Taylor and I stole your negatives.
This one's out of focus.
After a few drinks, it'll look fine.
Taylor, get the pitchers. The drinking games are about to begin.
Let's play "Who Can Act Straight the Longest."
{y:i}A lot of people ask me {y:i}when I first knew I was gay.
{y:i}Fact is, I don't know. {y:i}I can't remember.
{y:i}But what I do remember, {y:i}what I can recall...
{y:i}is the moment {y:i}I first realized it was okay.
{y:i}It was when I met these guys...
{y:i}my friends.
That Cameron Diaz is hot. Did you check out the new F-1 50 yet?
Dude, it's huge.
I figure after the Laker game, I'll head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies.
No way, man. There's no snatch there on Mondays.
- It's total sausage on week nights. - You guys see that Saxon got traded?
It sucks. The line's gonna be shit now.
Amen, girlfriend.
- What did I say? - We were doing so well.
There isn't a straight man who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend...
as "girlfriend."
But I was so butch when I said it.
Fine. I don't care that I lost. I hate games. Where's the check?
You should be proud to have lost.
This whole exercise is an unabashed, demoralizing case of self-mockery.
This from the man that brought us, "There's no snatch there on Monday."
- That's different. - I agree.
If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men spent their time, he'd defect.
Larry Kramer can blow me, okay?
This is fun.
Besides, that was 5 minutes and 3 2 seconds.
- Group record. - Meanwhile...
I was saying earlier--
Could I have a double steroid mocha?
- I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag. - Gross.
Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause.
I hate this city. Everyone's better-looking than me.
- Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team. - I'm serious.
Fuck off.
It's from the three of us.
And you wrapped it in your pants.
That's very funny.
- "Love, Here I Am." - It's a joke.
You're the only one of us that never complains about not having a boyfriend.
Certain individuals less familiar with the real Dennis...
might interpret that absence of desire to couple...
as a defense mechanism, a wall.
In which case, this text would serve you in overcoming your emotional blockage...
and opening yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship.
Okay, hint taken. Come on. Just get together.
I can't take a picture. I look terrible right now.
I really, honestly. Wait a minute. Look at this.
- Actually, this isn't bad. - Okay.
Good. Light's good over there. Go. Come on, go.
All right.
Meanwhile--
{y:i}A lot of people ask me {y:i}when I first knew I was gay.
{y:i}Fact is, I don't know. {y:i}Can't remember.
{y:i}But what I do remember...
{y:i}what I can recall is the moment {y:i}I first realized it was okay.
- "It was when I met these guys..." - Thank you.
{y:i}my friends.
I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang.
She's been your sister's girlfriend for five years.
Don't you think you two should get along?
Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me--
I could kill you.
You act like he'd never know we were checking him out.
He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you--
a cart full of kitchenwares.
What planet are you living on?
Not a person in this store wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second.
- Keep telling yourself that. - You don't believe me?
Okay. I'm sorry, miss? Excuse me, miss?
Could you come here for just a second?
This man, you've never seen him before in your whole entire life, right?
Tell me, which is it: fag, not a fag?
I'll have to say big fag.
- The first thing I want to say, Larry-- - Lawrence.
- Remember my thing with that? - Right.
Anyway, Lawrence, the last two weeks...
that we've been going out...
have been some of the best moments in my dating career.
We've laughed, we've learned...
we've tripped the light fantastic.
And yet, I just...
feel like something's just not working.
What do you think, dear?
I'm not sure. Fold your arms.
Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie.
It's not you, okay? It's me.
I'm the broken piece, and you wanna know why?
It's because deep down inside...
I'm a lonely person.
Are you reading that off of your hand?
What? No.
You are. You are totally reading a script.
It's just some notes. I wanted to make sure I said the right thing.
Oh, give me a fucking break.
The light fantastic? You don't even know what that is.
What?
Got an APB on a Caucasian male, brown hair and eyes...
1 60 pounds, 5-feet-1 1 .
Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male.
That's how I'd call you in myself.
You know, you are worse than all the muscle boys combined.
At least they don't presume to want a relationship.
I never said that I wanted a relationship.
- Then what did you want? - Something casual.
Linen sports jackets are casual. Swimwear is casual.
- Fucking somebody is not casual. - Okay.
While we're on the subject...
if certain rumors concerning your sexual proclivities...
start popping up around town, you'll know who started them.
Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy!
That is such bullshit!
Why do you bring them here, strumpet?
I am not in the mood for one of your tirades.
As a person in a long-term relationship, I'm gonna let you know.
- What you do is sick. - Whatever.
Number one, you work here. It's in poor taste.
Number two, if you're gonna break up with somebody...
have the decency to provide them with better lighting.
I heard that, ingrate. Oh, record time, Casanova.
You can start your shift early.
Roberto, what are you cutting those with, a chain saw?
This is bruschetta. You slice the tomatoes thinly.
Jack, that's Javier. Roberto is his brother.
If he cuts those tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis if he wants.
As a person in a long-term relationship...
I don't see how you're ever gonna find happiness with one person...
if you don't mend your ways.
Do you not start any sentences with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"?
It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart.
-It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity. -Hey, guys.
- Thank God. - You're late.
Sorry, but, you know, it is my birthday.
Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar. Go to work.
Saw your prey on the curb. Nice work.
Last time I use an audition monologue to break up with somebody.
You coming to the party,Jack?
I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep 'em warm.
You didn't. Jack!
I couldn't let you have a birthday without giving you...
at least a little bit of my superior taste and talent.
And in addition to which, look what I got today.
The Broken Hearts jerseys.
I will be signing up interested parties all night.
Please, I'm begging you, no softball team this year.
No softball team this year. No softball team this year.
Are you crazy? You know what kind of P.R. this is for the restaurant?
It can't be that good. We lost every single game we played last year.
Two of those teams only had four people.
Nobody's forcing you two to play, but remember who pays your bills.
Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar, your people have come to take you home.
Good evening, Patrick. It's your brother!
I'll be right there.
What is it with lesbians and candles?
I just got home from the office, and I'm not in the mood for your shit.
So...
what's the gift?
It's a housewarming present for Anne.
Two months late.
Looks like a coffeemaker.
Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise.
Oh, we already have a coffeemaker.
I've seen your old one. This one is way better.
We got rid of that one. She didn't tell you?
We have a new Webb 3000.
- You already have a Webb 3000? - Don't worry, sweetie.
It won't be the first time she's returned one of your gifts.
So Anne tells me you're jealous of her vibrator.
How do I look?
- Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel? - That's clever.
- You sure you don't want to come? - No, thank you.
- He said it's gonna be mixed. - The last time he said that...
there were 60 men, 3 women and a parrot...
and the parrot was getting more attention than the women.
That parrot knew the words to " Material Girl."
Shall we?
Do you have to do that in here? We are two blocks from the house!
Parties make me nervous.
- I'm relaxing. - Can you relax legally?
- What if we get pulled over? - What are the police gonna do?
For starters, the whole arresting thing.
If we don't go home together tonight, you'll understand.
- Let's not do this thing. - What whole thing?
This eleventh-hour breakup routine. It's really demoralizing me.
I'm not breaking up anything here...
because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago.
Yet we're still sleeping together.
We sleep together because we got a fucked-up friendship...
not because we're boyfriends.
- I don't want to talk about this. - You never wanna talk.
You just want to smoke pot, watch the fucking Cartoon Network.
What's to talk about? We're ex-boyfriends who still screw around.
I want more. You don't.
I hang on because I love you.
I wait desperately for the day you calm down, wake up...
and realize you love me.
You hang on because it's easy.
When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole.
Okay, wait. Hold on. First television crush.
Oh, easy.John-Boy Walton.
Yes, honey, I always wanted to be the last one to say good night to him.
- No, that mole. - Mine is Matthew Laborteaux.
- Who's that? - Albert from "Little House."
Wait a minute. It was the morphine addiction episode, wasn't it?
- How did you know? - 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys.
The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker.
Why should I keep this mirror?
See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream.
Right.
I'm gonna get a drink. Do you wanna hang here or--
Definitely.
I mean, you know, whatever.
So how do you and Benji know each other?
We fold jeans at Structure.
Okay, my first television crush: Aquaman.
Aquaman? Are you kidding me?
No, you laugh, but he was a blond and he had a swimmer's build.
I don't like blonds though.
- Swimmer's? - It was a lot of crap.
Listen, boys, I'm not leaving this party...
until you sign up...
to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League...
the Broken Hearts!
So come on over here and sign up, guys.
Free drinks for a signature!
Oh, they'll all quit after we lose the first game.
- That looks good, actually. - Don't do that.
I have to let it set for at least-- Gosh.
- Guess who's outside. - Who?
J. Crew guy from New Year's.
- No shit. At my party? - Yeah.
Come here.
Over there by the dining room table talking to a bunch of his friends.
There he is. Oh, my God.
Shut the door.
It's your birthday star shining on you.
We barely hooked up last time. He probably doesn't even remember me.
How 'bout you? Any luck with the coworker?
Who had a chance? Cole moved right in.
I just live with him.
It wouldn't have worked anyway. The guy's a total newbie.
- Hasn't even told me he's gay yet. - No shit. You can pick 'em.
I know. I can't help myself.
They remind me how great it used to feel, you know.
When you first come out, and every guy in the room is just--
Possibility.
Yeah.
Then you find out we are the possibility.
- Oh, damn. - What?
Much like a Zen master, you must struggle to find freshness...
in the mundane tasks of your world.
That, of course, being the world of retail.
I totally understand what you mean.
It's that book. He's unstoppable with the book.
What's the book?
Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf.
One of Cole's ex told him he was without an opinion about anything...
so he thought it'd be best if he went out and got some.
Dumb, gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature...
when competing in the pickup pool.
It's like bald people wearing hats.
It's deceiving.
- You open my gift yet? - No. Which one is it?
- Right there. - I didn't know that.
Where's Paul? He hasn't answered my pages all day.
{y:i}Love, Here I Am.
It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul.
- Thank you, sweetie. - You're welcome, baby.
I'll just put that with my other two copies.
I was wondering if there's any more ice.
Ice.
Yes, there is ice...
and I will go get it.
Hark! The party calls.
From New Year's, right?
I wasn't sure you'd remember me.
Well, I do.
I really didn't come in here for this.
That's my frosting.
Dan, you gotta come upstairs. It's Taylor.
What's goin' on?
You're kidding me.
- What's happening? - Paul finally called Taylor back.
From Hawai, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend.
Oh, shit.
No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy.
What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here in case of emergency?
- Howie, there's gotta be something. - I'm looking.
- There's Celine Dion. - In hell!
No. Okay, here.
"Beaches" soundtrack.
Oh, thank God. Track four.
I just heard.
I was left for another man.
And not just any other man, a trainer.
A trainer named Dash.
I was left for a punctuation mark.
We all knew this was gonna happen.
- Patrick. - Come on.
It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around.
I tried to warn him before they moved in together, and he wouldn't listen.
I'm in the room, asshole.
Nice. That's what I get for being a friend.
We obviously have two different interpretations of that word.
What does that mean?
It means that when it comes to men...
you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us.
You can disguise it all you want under the guise of Patrick's good advice...
but it ain't shit but a pin...
trying to pop all of our relationship balloons.
Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people.
But he said that we'd work things out.
He promised we'd work things out.
He lied.
I'm sorry. You know what?
This is the time of the evening where all the prettier boys hook up...
so I'm just gonna leave now.
- He hates me. - He'll get over it.
The apartment was Paul's.
He wants me out by Friday.
We have a guest room.
You're more than welcome to it.
- I couldn't. - It wouldn't be a problem.
Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it.
Well, it's sort of sudden.
But...
it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it...
then I guess I am.
Then it's settled.
Dennis, Cole, I--
You'll never, ever know how much I appreciate this.
I'm gonna need your strength now.
See you guys.
What happened?
Paul dumped Taylor. Taylor's a wreck.
Party's gonna break up soon, if you want a ride.
Howie, no.
You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni.
My what?
Your Rice-A-Roni.
It's the ultimate '7 0s game show consolation prize...
the thing everybody went home with even if they lost.
It is not like that.
It's different.
Yeah.
Oh, my--
Oh, don't do that.
Because you know that gets me worked up when you do that.
Do what?
You take off your glasses.
You rub your eyes.
And you're speechless.
I still make you speechless?
- Where's your jacket? - It's in the car.
Let's go.
Do you wanna talk about it?
What's to talk about?
Gay men in L.A. are a bunch of 10s looking for an 11 .
On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six.
- That's not true. - It is.
I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is.
Patrick, maybe it's time you start hanging out...
with a different group of guys.
They're the only ones that make it bearable.
Good night, Patrick.
Oh,just before I forget, Leslie and I wanna have a baby...
and since that's biologically impossible for us to do so without sperm...
and since your genes are close to mine, we thought we could borrow yours...
and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together...
had I a penis.
You wouldn't have to sleep with her. She'd be artificially inseminated.
So take your time, think about it.
Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away...
like within the next couple of ovulation cycles.
So...
talk to you tomorrow.
- You can drive away now. - Oh, okay.
Go home. I'll get the rest.
Come, you spirits...
that tend on mortal thoughts.
Unsex him here.
Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room.
No, of course not. It's getting late.
It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience.
- Ten, if I'm lucky. - Never, if you're really lucky.
Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door?
Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence?
Good night,Jack.
Happy birthday, Dennis. I love you.
Don't get nervous.
Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back.
We should light a few more candles.
I'm cool.
Yeah, but we could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment.
How 'bout--
How 'bout some music?
- Sure. - Great.
- Whatever. - Yeah. Great.
You like the Carpenters?
Play something else.
You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic?
- No. - None of it?
Not "Close to You," " Rainy Days and Mondays."
What about the one about Warren Beatty?
"You're So Vain." That's Carly Simon.
- You should go. - What?
I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden, but I'm gonna go with this impulse.
- Is this about the music? - No, it's not. It's about me.
- I can't do this anymore. - We haven't done anything yet.
I know what we're about to do, and I can't do it.
- Sure, you can. - You're right.
- I can, but I'm tired of it. - You're tired of sex?
Yes. No.
I'm tired of sex with people who care what I look like and make up the rest...
and I'm tired of doing the same with them.
I want something more...
something else.
I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning.
I keep forgetting your name...
because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew guy."
It's Ted.
Well, Ted...
I'm sorry.
Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight.
You scared me.
It's my house. I'm allowed to do that.
- Is Cole asleep? - Yeah, he's asleep.
There's nothin' in there. I checked.
You should try the cake.
The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good.
This is not what I need tonight.
- You are not what I need tonight. - What'd I say?
I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday.
It took me two hours, and I didn't even get to blow out the candles...
'cause my friend's relationship hit DEFCON 5.
Bummer.
Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with real validity.
I plan on writing to the committee for an extension.
Why write?
Now you made the deadline.
Come on. Make your wish.
Thank you.
Kevin.
You must be "Ennis."
That's Dennis.
Somebody ate the "D."
- Are these yours? - Yeah.
I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom...
so I figured you were a photographer or something.
Or somethin'.
- I like this one. - That was my first class assignment.
We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state.
I had just come out of the closet, hadn't met any of my friends yet...
but I was still feeling a sense of strength and independence.
I think it looks lonely.
You're Benji's friend?
Oh, yeah. More sort of coworker...
but I like him.
- Apparently not enough. - What's that mean?
Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight.
You've been a hot topic of conversation since you joined the Structure family.
What, he's been talking about me?
Relax. It's just a crush.
I mean, you should be flattered.
By the next full moon, he'll have a new one. It's his way.
I don't get you guys.
Is that all you do, sit around here and talk about men?
Either that or we talk about men.
Yeah, well...
I think it's really gay.
- You're not out, are you? - What?
You're not just a newbie. You're not even out to anyone.
- I don't think it's anyone's business. - It isn't.
- I'm getting tired of being asked. - I can imagine.
Why do I have to tell anyone anyway?
Maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I haven't decided.
Maybe I should say good night.
Yeah. Good night.
You're right.
It looks lonely.
{y:i}I can't decide if my friends are {y:i}the best or worst thing to happen to me.
Clearly, without them, my life would be a lot less fun...
but with them...
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Do you want to keep it short on top?
Yeah.
I know they're my friends. I just don't know if I can trust any of them.
Especially when it comes to men.
Every time I introduce someone, they're all over him.
Watch your posture, all right?
Sorry.
Take, for instance, the party the other night.
Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawai.
Howie went home with Marshall again.
Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole.
And my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm.
It's like one big gay soap opera.
I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room...
and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company.
I was watching this documentary on cable about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia.
Benji was telling me about this documentary he saw about monkeys--
In Somalia.
They hang out with each other until mating season, and then just like that--
They attack each other. It's survival of the fittest.
I thought to myself, that's our group.
That's us.
We're those monkeys, and I'm the monkey with the image problem.
The only one who's unfaxed by anything is Cole.
I mean,just look at him.
He's gorgeous, completely straight-acting.
He's the ultimate meanwhile, and he has no soul.
My dad would sleep with Cole.
If you asked me, Cole is precisely what's wrong with this group.
We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it.
Actually, Howie would probably admit it.
I wanna be Cole. Why can't I be Cole?
Why can't God have made me Cole?
My friends get a haircut with this.
It's not like I wanna be Cole or anything.
He just makes it all look so easy.
I just wish it was, you know, that easy to let someone in.
To get a boyfriend.
To be beautiful.
Thanks, Betty.
You always know just what to say.
It's a gift.
Where is my living room?
- I just shifted it around a little. - No, this is your living room.
You didn't shift my living room around.
You shifted my living room out and your living room in.
So where is my living room?
Distributed evenly around the house.
- Distribute it back. - It took me all day.
Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed.
Okay, Dennis. Think of it this way.
A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, right?
You have to live with it for a few days before you know if you like it or not.
That's not true.
I haven't had a shag, but I don't have to live with one for a few days...
to know that I don't want one.
Thank God you're home.
Thanks to Mufassa here, it's now a Tunisian hut.
- Why do I even try? - I have amazing news.
This casting director is bringing me in for this role in this Kip Rogers movie.
- That's terrific. - Except I ran out of head shots.
- You need me to make a head shot. - Bingo.
- Go get your negatives. - I love you.
You are a fucking godsend.
I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag.
Kip Rogers is not gay. He's married.
Please, that's right up there with, "He's not gay. He's in a fraternity."
My agent thinks that I have a really good shot for this one.
Says they're just looking for a face.
Doesn't that bother you?
- That people think I'm attractive? - That that's all they think.
That's not necessarily true.
When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role?
It's always they want a look or face...
or nice eyes.
So what? Who gives a fuck? That's my way in.
What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up.
I guess.
- So you like this Kevin kid? - He's nice enough, sure.
That's how you feel about him? He's nice enough?
Do I agree with his opinions on the Middle East?
Forget I asked.
It's been a week. Who knows what I feel?
I think if this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump--
- Another? - You don't have the best track record.
- You're not taking home the gold. - This isn't about me.
What is your excuse for not settling down with one of your scams?
You don't even call them back.
At least I have the decency to date them for a little while.
Which brings me to my point.
Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out?
Because what if it does?
A relationship can't be built on lust.
No more than you can base a relationship off coffee and good conversation...
but that works just fine for our first date.
There it is.
Well.
Have you gained weight?
What? Where?
{y:i}I can't help it. {y:i}Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits.
{y:i}This awful panic that I'm gonna {y:i}have to spend another evening alone.
{y:i}So I go over there.
- That's called being horny. - It's not horny.
I know horny.
I've taken entire lecture series on horny.
They have lecture series on horny?
They don't call it that.
You think I should paint my toenails again?
Any time you hags wanna join the game.
I hate the outfield. There's too much action.
Where did my mitt go?
{y:i}Oh, say can you see
How y'all doin'?
You ready for this? You ready for this one?
Attaboy, Taylor!
With a monarch's voice, cry havoc...
and let slip the dogs of war!
Strike!
Our first game of the season, and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen?
Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction.
Come on. Let's play.
Look at that.
Strike two.
You know, if he was smart, he'd hurl himself in front of the ball.
- I tell you, it's the law of fractions. - You're insane.
Howie thinks one of the other players is gay.
It's a known scientific fact that one out of ten men is gay.
Including the bench, they've got 1 1 players. You do the math.
I dare you to share that with them.
Thank you.
Where's Cole? He's up after Will.
I'll get him.
Strike three! You're out!
I don't understand why they don't just let me hit off the tee.
Shut up, bitches.
You're up in two.
Thanks, Den.
So you're still deciding if you're gay?
I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's the only one with the shirt tucked in.
Benj, hold these.
Cole, if you had to pick a mole off the other team, who would it be?
No problem. Catcher.
Catcher? Yeah, right.
The biggest meanwhile on the team is really gay? People think I'm crazy.
The guy's a total breeder.
First round at Jack's says I'm right.
Who's the coach?
That's Jack. Loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts.
- Shakespeare fan, huh? - Classically trained.
Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York.
See that man? That's his partner of 20 years.
Plays piano at the restaurant.
Comes to all the games.
We call him Purple Guy, for obvious reasons.
Yeah.
Wow.
Hey, Mr. Catcher.
You got a name?
Sure.
It's Low and Inside.
Strike!
- Thanks for the tip. - Next time listen to me.
My friends and I have a little bet goin'...
that one of you fire boys plays on our league, if you know what I mean.
That's interesting.
- Who'd you bet on? - You.
Ball!
So do I win?
What tipped you off?
I've been up to bat twice, and twice I've caught you staring at my ass.
Ball.
So what are the chances of me getting your number?
Sorry. I'm seeing someone.
So was I.
Strike two!
Two and two, batter.
I missed that one on purpose so I could ask again.
What are the chances of getting your number?
About the chance of you hitting a home run.
Yeah, go!
Print neatly.
- You ever talk to him? - Purple guy?
I thought he said hi to me once. Turned out it was just a burp.
I wonder what Jack sees in him.
I don't know. Whatever it is, though, he couldn't be happier.
The world's only prompt lesbians.
Well, I'm off.
- Wish me luck. - You're not gonna do it.
I don't get it. Are we breaking up?
See, that's the thing.
That you would think there was actually something to break up...
implies we were never really clear on what we had to begin with.
That lack of clarity...
well...
frightens me.
What?
- What's up with them? - Cole's breaking up with him.
In the course of six innings? What happened?
He got the catcher's number. The fucker was right.
- Where's Kevin? - He doesn't feel like coming.
Obviously.
- Something wrong here? -Jig's up, Mr. Man.
We know all about this little Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'.
We're here to shut that shit down.
Relax, Tex. All I did is cool things off.
Was that what you were doing behind the bleachers, cooling things off?
- I had a change of heart. Shoot me. - You're so full of shit.
I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately.
You toss one scam out of bed, and suddenly you are St.-fuckin'-Gandhi.
You know what I meant. Bottom line, that kid is a newbie.
He can't even admit to being gay.
What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend.
Where you goin'?
You're right. What he needs now are friends.
- He wants to sleep with him. - Thank you.
Hey, we're going to Jack's. It's one of our many losing traditions.
-Just fuck off. - You should come.
Everyone gets dumped first time around.
It's the rule of all newbie relationships.
What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends?
You don't even know my friends.
I know them well enough to know you're a bunch of bitter,jaded--
Fags? Go ahead and say it.
- I wasn't going to say that. - You should.
Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means.
Why can't everything just slow down?
I promise it will, but you can't go back now.
At least go have a cup of coffee with me?
- One condition. - What?
West Hollywood's that way.
Show me one thing you find interesting that way.
- So you come here a lot? - You could say that.
In fact, next to Karen Carpenter...
this place is the closest thing to perfection I know.
The Carpenters? Now, that I get.
- You like the Carpenters? - Insanely.
Here's to your first O.G.T.
Obviously Gay Trait.
Mine are love of the Carpenters, culinary interests...
and intense fear of blood sports.
I don't get it. Why be friends with a group of people just because you're gay?
That's not why we're friends.
It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends.
- Doesn't that drive you crazy? - Of course.
At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did.
Only I wouldn't go for just a few months. I'd stay.
I'd bring my camera, finally take my time developing a photographer's eye.
Really find my voice.
Then something happens.
A birthday, summer parties...
Christmas, great night of dancing.
And I'm with them and...
suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else.
So I stay.
Have you told anybody about what you're going through?
- A few people. - Like?
- My sister. - Ooh, that's worth at least ten points.
Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home last Christmas, and she caught me.
- With a guy? - No, alone.
By myself, flying solo.
Ouch. To what, gay porn?
Oh, no. Worse than that.
An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr.
I thought my mom would be cooler. She was a '60s love child.
In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends.
All she said was, "I hope you didn't pay market for that."
But when I told her I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month.
- How is she now? - Better.
Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays"...
like they live on her block or somethin'.
" Dennis, I see the gays had a parade. Did you go?"
My dad would have been different.
- You didn't tell him? - He died before I told anyone.
My biggest regret: he died not knowing me.
You can't say that. Maybe he didn't know--
He died not knowing me.
We want your sperm. We're not asking you to move in.
What about cousin Jeffrey? He's got our genes. He could donate.
Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper and a card-carrying member of the NRA.
He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in, Patrick.
I'm sorry. My answer still stands.
I told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off.
Drug me and jerk-- Do you hear this?
This is the woman that you want to become a mother with.
- She's being serious. - Okay.
You two want the truth? Here's the truth.
You guys can't keep a plant alive. How are you gonna take care of a child?
We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid will have to deal with.
Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 , why is Mom #2's brother my father?"
Look at the three of us. What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make?
You know what? I don't have to listen to this.
I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this.
She had this funny idea that maybe if we did...
you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life.
But I can see that you'd rather not.
That's fine with me. I'm going to get the car.
Is that what this is about? Some sort of mission to save me?
Patrick, when you came out...
you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery.
And I have never seen you more miserable.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the evidence is rudimentary.
There's not a single film in the cinema canon...
that paints a portrait of a gay man that any of us would aspire to be.
What are our options? Noble, suffering AI DS victims...
the friends of noble, suffering AI DS victims...
compulsive sex addicts, common street hustlers...
and the most recent addition to the lot...
stylish confidantes to lovelorn women.
Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick...
has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans.
And that's someone you would aspire to be.
At least they would be someone real.
Can you imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends?
Maybe then we wouldn't have to shamefully compare ourselves...
to "Steel Magnolias."
He is so Sally Fields.
- I thought I was Sally Fields. - No, you're Shirley MacLaine.
Which one am I?
Julia Roberts.
For your nerves, honey.
What are you doing here? We agreed not to see each other in public.
- I said it was too hard. - I didn't know you were gonna be here.
We had a game today. We always come here after the game.
- I'm telling you, I forgot. - Whatever.
Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink.
- I can't. - You can't?
I'm trying to tell you that I can't.
There are no tables available, so it might be a while.
Oh, it's too busy here, so we should probably go to the movie anyway.
Cool.
I didn't see you out there.
I came in the back.
I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I faced the crowd.
How'd it go with the girls?
It went.
I miss anything?
Same old song.
Howie was going on about gay cinema.
Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay.
You'd have no identity.
It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about.
You talk about it so much that sometimes you forget about...
all the other things that you are.
When I watch them, it feels so strange.
It's like I'm not even a part of it.
They're all so much more attractive than I am.
No. You know what?
I don't mind. Really, I don't.
I kind of like being attractive by association.
It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful.
Help me put my dress on.
Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight.
It's Saturday. The crowd expects it.
The madness has got to stop. You don't even like wearing women's clothes.
So?
So it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere.
Big fuckin' deal.
And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype.
Again, big fucking deal.
And your tits are always crooked.
- No shit? Nobody ever told me that. - Well, they are.
Here, come here.
I've never felt a man up before.
There. That's--
Okay. Zip me up, would you?
Oh, okay. All right.
Everybody can't be the same, Patrick.
Everybody can't be straight.
Everybody can't be beautiful.
Some people are just gay and average.
We're the strongest, I think.
Hello, boys! Hello.
I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to start two hours ago.
But you know what they say? Better latent than never.
So to start with, I'd like to do a little number...
from my first platinum album...
{y:i}Color MeJack.
Hit it, honey.
{y:i}Shall we join the ladies {y:i}Yes, do, let's join the ladies
{y:i}And make one great big lady
You sure you don't want to come in?
I do. I'm just not ready for it all yet.
- I have the same number as Cole. - Don't worry.
I'll call.
Okay.
Good night.
Bye.
Just checking a page. I'm betting it's the fireman.
Which, incidentally, would be record time.
Yeah, but I just wanted to apologize for earlier.
- About Kevin. - Oh, hey, no problem.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
- What is it? - No way. It's my agent.
What's he saying?
I got the part. I got the part in the movie.
- You're kidding me. - Oh, my God.
I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix.
Holy shit. I got the part in Kip Rogers' movie.
- I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers. - This is incredible.
No kidding.
- It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ-- - I heard Kip Rogers was gay.
He's not gay. He's married.
I gotta tell the other guys. They're gonna freak.
Hey, listen. Tell the other hags I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow.
Where are you going?
To my sister's.
To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this whole baby thing.
- What happened? - Nothing.
Nothing ever happens. That's the whole point.
You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?
I think that it's great that you're dating again.
Yeah, it is.
And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving.
- I'm going inside now. - Wait. Come on.
Let me just come inside, just for a minute.
Until you get off?
- That is not true. - No, no.
You'll be kind enough to share your latest theory...
on why Snagglepuss was the first openly gay cartoon character.
You know, if memory serves, it's your post-coital hashish bonfires...
- that sent me running. - That is such a convenient argument.
My pot smoking is the source of all our problems?
God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked-up relationship.
I'm the one that studies relationships for a living.
- Ours was quite normal. - Normal?
When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom?
Do you know Brian actually held my hand in public tonight?
Do you know what that's like to be with someone who's not terrified to do that?
You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issue-less existence.
So that's what this is about.
Brian's better-looking than you, so I matter again.
But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now? Am I right?
Thanks for not answering that.
You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you...
but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me.
{y:i}My ex is dating a print model.
{y:i}A blond, goy print model named Brian.
Could that possibly hit on more of my issues?
He could have a big penis.
Which one of you hags suggested level eight? I'm dying.
- Let's bring it down to seven. - Six, and I pick up lunch.
It's a deal. Maybe he just wants to win you back.
That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me, he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him.
- Meanwhile-- - You have the oddest taste.
- Sue me. - I don't understand.
For months you've been guilty that you ended the relationship.
- He's moved on and you sound worse. - Because my guilt I can control.
It's my guilt. Jealousy is completely out of my hands.
I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on?
I don't know. I just know that it's over...
and you won't catch me going through any mourning cycle.
Speaking of which, I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week.
He's been curled up on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies.
When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me this sinister look and mutters...
- " Phase five, phase five." - The revenge phase.
If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house.
Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, young Sigmund?
Guys, is that the girl from "Young and the Restless?"
I'm so over "Y&R."
You're excited for him to call, but you don't want to sleep with him?
Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't.
- So you do want to sleep with him. - Why is it always about that?
Don't you see what happens to us?
We come out of the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game...
and we become more bitter than we were in the closet.
The only thing keeping us from complete despair are the friendships we develop.
I just want him to see that before it's too late.
Before he becomes jaded, like us.
Interesting. What you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin.
- It's classic projection. - You haven't answered my question.
- No, I don't want to sleep with him. - Bullshit.
- Benji's talking to Idaho guy. - Who's that?
Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush.
He's been strategically working out near him for weeks...
in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice.
Why do you call him Idaho Guy?
I don't know. He just kind of looks like he's from Idaho.
It's not really one of our better ones.
I'm freaking out.
I was in the middle of my squats and he comes over and just gives me these tips.
Is that like fate or what? Maybe I should get his number.
No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us.
Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes.
And cat tranquilizers.
If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, codependent relationship...
it won't be with a gym bunny.
I don't care. I'm going back over there.
Hi. I turned around and you were gone. I wanted to give you this.
It's my number.
Give me a call if you want.
Yeah, definitely.
That'll be cool.
It's no improvement.
I didn't pack a jacket.
I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night.
Should we call a doctor?
He'll be all right. Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits.
You know what? I almost forgot to tell you.
That Kevin kid called while you were at the gym.
- He did? - He said to call him back.
Sounded kind of cold, though. I hope he doesn't still hate me.
They never still hate you.
It's funny, isn't it? I'd hate me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you too.
- Good luck. - Thank you very much.
- "What is taking him so long?" - I don't know.
It'll just be another minute more. I had to make a phone call.
A phone call? I knew he was gonna pull some shit.
- Patrick, what happened? - I couldn't do it.
- I need material. - They don't have material?
Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now.
Oh, my God. It's embarrassing to even be seen in here.
- Did you bring the stash? - You owe me so big for this, hag.
You know my issues with buying porno.
Hurry up!
- Hey, sorry I'm late. - Oh, no, it's cool.
Crank it.
Call it crazy, but I have this theory.
Bear with me.
I believe that there are gay numbers.
- Gay numbers? - Yeah.
Have you ever given thought to the number 38?
I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective.
The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way.
Cut. That was perfect. Print.
I was so glad that Sharon set us up.
She mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved.
- I used to be. - Well, I know how that goes.
I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months.
Five months and he broke up with me. He broke up with me.
He said I talk too much. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've heard?
'Cause I'm all about listening.
I know what you're thinking. Why would a gay man wanna be a gyno?
I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina"...
let alone stare at them all day long.
But it never really bothered me. I mean, it's just a word, right?
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
It's just a word, right?
I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me, though.
Clitoris.
Why am I shaking?
It's your first gay club. You should be nervous.
If anybody attacks you, just tell them you're with me.
Nice to see you again. Things are better with the breakup, I take it?
- Breakup? - With Paul?
Paul who?
It's phase six.
It's denial.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
I've been looking for you guys all night.
- You want a drink? - No. I have water here somewhere.
- Where's Idaho Guy? - Where's this new boyfriend of yours?
Dance floor.
You guys, everybody's here. Come on. Come and dance.
Fly, young one. Fly like the wind.
Come on. Dance with your mama.
- So what do you think? Ecstasy? - I don't know. Probably K.
Should we talk to him?
They said, finishing their fourth shot.
We've all messed around with stuff and you know it.
He's just having a good time. Let's go dance.
Dance? We're here to attract men, remember?
Speak for yourself. This body wants to groove.
Come on.
Howie? Howie Mixner?
Barry. We had dinner a few weeks ago?
I got one.
Who would you kick out of bed? Morley Safer or Mike Wallace?
Okay, I believe this requires a daiquiri break.
- I'd say Safer. - Safer all the way.
But I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley circa 1 980.
I'd kick Wallace. He always annoyed me.
Who's got the 30?
- What are you doing outside? - I'm getting base.
It's July 4. You don't have a base yet?
Have you heard from the movie star yet?
He only called once all month. I missed it.
He's too busy getting shtupped by Kip Rogers.
When will you guys get over the fact that just because...
every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay...
that doesn't mean he is gay.
You know what? I should get going.
- You're not staying for the party? - I gotta make an appearance...
at my parent's barbecue.
- Have fun. - Bye.
- I've got another one. - Who would you kick out of bed?
The Grimace or the Hamburglar?
- Oh, my God. - What?
- That's a good one. - Homo say what?
Homo say bad party lighting.
Get out.
- Did you lock the door? - I don't remember.
Shit. One second!
Yeah?
- You're going to shoot in five. - Terrific.
- All right. Cappuccino? - No, no. No, thank you.
- I'll see you out there. - Okay. All right.
- That was close. - A little too close.
I have to cancel tonight.
My publicist wants me to do this "Access Hollywood" interview.
Today's my last day of shooting. I leave tomorrow.
- What would you like me to do? - Cancel it.
- Tell them you can't do it. - With what excuse?
"Sorry. I have dinner plans with the pretty boy extra I'm sleeping with."
- I'm not an extra. - That's not what I meant.
They have me shooting here for four weeks.
My part is integral to the plot. I have seven lines of dialogue.
- I'm not a fucking extra. - Okay, okay.
I'm sorry I called you an extra.
I'll make it up to you. I'll fly into L.A. this weekend.
We'll go somewhere discreet for dinner.
- All right? - Okay.
Good.
Wait about ten minutes. Make sure no one sees you before you leave.
Hey, having fun? Good.
Hey, there you are.
How you doing?
Everything all right?
What happened?
You told your parents.
Just kind of slipped out.
The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert...
and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie.
I said, "That's great. I love key lime pie, and I'm gay."
I bet she wishes she'd made apple pie.
They were great, Dennis.
And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them?
Why was I so scared to tell everyone?
- If I hadn't met you-- - Oh, I didn't do anything.
Morning.
We're gonna be late for the game.
Once more unto the breach, dear lads! Once more!
It's the height of irony, really.
Here we are, bottom of the ninth. Three men on. Two outs.
Our least able player stepping up to bat.
We're either one hit away from our first victory ever...
or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history.
If we could just get him to hit it to left field.
The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do.
Come on, Taylor. You can do it. Come on.
Attaboy!
Sweet are the uses of adversity.
"Sweet are the uses of adversity...
which, like the toad, ugly and venomous...
wears yet a precious jewel in his head.
And this is our life...
exempt from public haunt...
finds tongues and trees...
books in running brooks...
sermons in stones...
and good in everything."
Jack was a Shakespeare fan.
That passage from "As You Like It" was his favorite.
He would've wanted me to share it with you today.
Other than that, I'm not good with words.
That was Jack.
I'll just play something.
Hopefully, wherever Jack is...
he'll sing along.
That's what Jack saw in him.
- So where's Brian? - Getting the car.
You look terrific.
You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you.
I'm not just saying.
Thank you.
I quit smoking pot.
It's not 'cause we're not dating. No, it's not because of Brian. I just--
It was just time.
It's weird how you can need something for so long and then just...
not need it anymore.
Just like that.
It's so weird, you know. It's like he's still here.
You're on something right now, aren't you?
- Excuse me? - You show up late. You look like shit.
- What did that boyfriend give you? - He didn't give me anything.
I look like shit because I've been crying for the last two days.
Unlike you, who has yet to shed a tear, you fucking asshole.
- He wants to make sure you're okay. - We all do.
That's crap. Since I've have a boyfriend none of you guys even call.
- You stopped calling us. - That is such bullshit.
Admit that you don't talk to me because I'm in a relationship and you're not.
You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks.
That hardly constitutes a relationship.
That is more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck.
His friends...
they're not like us.
When they go out, when they're together, they're happy.
We're always so miserable.
We make each other miserable.
Why?
Is it such a bad thing to be happy?
It is if you have to pay 30 bucks a tab for it, yeah.
- What did I miss? - You don't even wanna know.
Just spoke to Purple Guy. He said he'll meet us at the bar.
I can't go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film.
- Maybe I'll catch up after. - Yeah.
I'm not gonna go either. I'm gonna go home.
I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
You should go with them.
I thought maybe we could talk about the other night.
- We haven't really discussed-- - Now's not a good time.
- Could you tell me when is? - I don't know. But not here, not now.
You've barely even looked at me since the other night.
You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral.
Hiding? Is that what you think I've been doing?
Can you even imagine whatJack meant to me? To us?
No, you can't. You can't know.
So don't tell me I've been hiding.
All we did was hook up. It's not that big a deal.
We can talk about it later.
You're right. It's not a big deal.
All we did was hook up.
Yeah, this is he.
What?
Jesus!
Benji Waters?
I just got the page. How is he?
They pumped his stomach. We're waiting for him to wake up.
- Can I see him? - Only one person at a time can go in.
- Patrick's in there right now. - How did this happen?
- How the fuck could this happen? - Isn't it obvious?
We weren't there.
Did you two come together? I think that's cute.
What is his problem?
Him and Kevin slept together last week.
You, Senor Disheveled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself.
- Are the clouds lifting? - You guys, I didn't know.
I've been away all month. Why didn't you tell me something?
- You could help me out. - It was a secret.
Terrific.
The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters.
Now I feel like shit.
I think that's a scientific impossibility.
- I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't be.
I slept with Cole to get back at you.
You did exactly what you're supposed to when you're 23 and just out the closet.
And you did it because I was an asshole.
It doesn't matter. I was wrong.
No, Kevin. I was wrong.
When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship.
And if there was anything I've been trying to change lately about myself...
well, that would be it.
So what, you're not attracted to me?
Or course I am. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles.
- You were the wish. - So what's the problem?
The problem is that I'm not ready for it.
I thought that...
all a relationship would take was meeting the right person...
but it's so much more than that.
Like what?
Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay.
- That's not true. - It is true.
And I'm okay with it.
I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do.
But I need to move on.
I need to make my life into something else...
instead of just my friends and the parties.
That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone.
Do you see that?
Tell me you see that.
Can't you move on with someone there?
Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do.
Hey, guys.
Hey, hag.
Why'd you go and do a thing like that for?
I'm sorry, guys.
- I'm sorry, Patrick. - Hey, I'm sorry too.
I am so Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's" right now.
You can be Demi Moore. Just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy.
- I get to be Mare Winningham. - Nobody's gonna fight you on that one.
- Which one do I get to be? - Rob Lowe.
'Cause you're just so damn cute.
You can't help yourself.
Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone.
Marshall, open up.
What the hell are you doing?
This.
- All right, that's it, asshole. - Brian. Please, get inside.
You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up.
You didn't wait long enough.
I've never been more awake than I am right now.
And I admit it. I fucked up. No matter who you were...
there would've been something wrong with you and someone better out there.
And I wish that I could change that.
I wish I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you.
But I'll tell you right now...
I loved you.
I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me.
It has nothing to do with how good-looking he is.
It has to do with you.
Because you are sweet, you're endearing and...
uncomplicated.
And you're so beautiful.
I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this...
works out and that he is everything that you need...
because you deserve it.
But if he's not and it ends, I'll be there.
It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough.
- "You really don't need to be here." - "Okay, I'm here..."
because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here...
and because the baby book said this is an emotional event.
And no matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody.
- Is this ready yet? - No. It takes a second to come through.
Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job?
- Why don't you bite me? - Why don't you suck my left tit?
- If I sucked tits-- - Excuse me.
It's ready now.
That's the baby.
Miss Thing, where have you been? I have a full restaurant. I'm a waiter short.
I was at the closing on my house. I'm sorry.
Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar. Get your apron on.
Question. How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch?
It's your last night, hag. So you don't have to worry about that now, do you?
Surprise!
I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles.
I know. They're from all of his house parties.
So, did Leslie tell you? We saw the baby.
Oh, that is so cool. So is it a Patricia or a Patrick,Jr.?
It's a Jack.
I'm an actor. I just shot this film with Kip Rogers.
Kip Rogers. Wow.
I hear he's gay.
No, he's not gay. He's married.
Okay, so check this shit out.
Paul called me.
He said he wants to talk. He said he misses me, but just as a friend.
This is a good thing. It allows you the perfect opportunity...
for the final phase of all relationships: reconciliation.
Try closure. I told that bitch to fuck off.
Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic on the 405.
I told you not to take the freeways. L.A. is all about the side streets.
It's for Europe. It's a carrying case for your camera.
Look, got your initials on it.
I saw that guy you came with. He's cute.
Whatever. We met at a club a few weeks ago.
- You know how it is. - Oh, yeah, I do.
I'll be back.
I'll be here.
- Okay, hag, you ready for your gift? - Excuse us.
- You didn't have to get me a gift. - We didn't get you anything. You did.
- It was nothing, really. - Gentlemen and very few ladies...
I am pleased to present...
the premiere photo gallery opening...
of budding photojournalist...
our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff.
- Where did you guys get these? - Taylor and I stole your negatives.
This one's out of focus.
After a few drinks, it'll look fine.
Taylor, get the pitchers. The drinking games are about to begin.
Let's play "Who Can Act Straight the Longest."
{y:i}A lot of people ask me {y:i}when I first knew I was gay.
{y:i}Fact is, I don't know. {y:i}I can't remember.
{y:i}But what I do remember, {y:i}what I can recall...
{y:i}is the moment {y:i}I first realized it was okay.
{y:i}It was when I met these guys...
{y:i}my friends.